Last week, President Barak Obama presented us with his State of the Union address. Throughout this week, governors from around the country came forth with their standard, petulant, pessimistic State of the State reports. Mayors chimed in, as well, updating their denizens on the State of the City. Large business owners stood on chairs before the bullpen areas of their offices and professed the State of the Company is dire. Mothers and fathers, Husbands and Wives, gathered their clans in living rooms and dens, turned off the first half hour of "The Biggest Loser" on Tuesday night and, often with the aid of an easel or Power Point projection, detailed the State of the Family. Schizophrenics and Multiple Personality Disorders closed their eyes and over just a few internal interruptions proclaimed the State of the Self is blueberry yogurt (No it’s not!) I told you to shut up when I’m typing! And as America goes, my fellow kittens, we come to our semi-triennial State of the Blog blog here at the Eleventh Draft.
Ladies, Gentlemen, Readers, Thinkers, Wonderers, Wanderers and Friends: I come before you tonight with a tremendous stasis, pulling and tugging at my heart. While we’ve written with passion over the previous twelve months, I fear that passion – although dynamic and focused during moments of inception, composition and execution – I fear that passion was not in attendance often enough to be impactful in the way such a passion should mean to impact.
The effect is, therefore, a denigration, a devaluation of passion. This act is unforgiveable. This act is one that has haunted humanity since Aristotle’s Poetics instructed, since Dionysus’ clans danced, since Homer’s tales inspired. Where such passion exists, it should be cultivated to become a great ballast for all souls, whether that means those rally behind or they struggle against that passion; whichever side they choose, strength follows.
Neglect of a passion that noticeably exists like a well-lighted party through slivers in fence posts as we speed past, is unforgiveable. In the next three years, unless we fight against such inactivity, we are doomed to commit the most savage, implacable crime against art and philosophy, and therefore against Life: complacency.
In various functions, complacency is not meaningful – in healthcare, in bank regulation, in early childhood education, the United States government has done nothing or the wrong thing for years and the country keeps moving. Blogs do not have that luxury.
Blogs do not have the luxury of saying we tried and leaving it at that and getting elected to another term. If blogs are not exercising, they are dead. The very intention of blogs is to get facts wrong with such mind-blowing speed it causes formerly reputable news organizations to quiver with fear of not being first, rather than just being right.
Blogs do not have the luxury of finding naked pictures of an underage television actress in their Inbox and then choosing not to post them. If blogs do not act with profligate tongues, they are of no use to us; if they do not sacrifice that one actress for the amusement of the whole of us, they are of no interest to us – and an audience of one is not as large as an audience of us.
Blogs do not have the luxury of golden parachutes built from others' dreams and nest eggs, specifically because blogs are designed as Kamikaze devices, manned by the masochistic, if not suicidal, dreamers and savers themselves. If they do not act openly to protect those who work from dark corners, the entire society on which the blog came to be might implode.
As we go forward from here, we must remember these truths every day, like a morning prayer or a shot of Kahlua in your coffee. We are strong enough to carry on without notice or approbation or encouragement – this I promise you. We are able to do this because of that passion that has shined momentarily, but brilliantly over the last year. Let us go forth and tear down the fence blocking that passion. Let us join that party.
It’s no great secret that news organizations prepare obituary pieces on celebrated people while those people are still alive but have a Vegas sports book over/under of maybe 18 months before they join the departed. We were asked to make one of these lists for a morning news program, during our first week of our first job, not six months out of college. On the list, we put, among others: Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope, Christopher Reeve, Arthur Miller and Kurt Douglas – who continues to defy our actuarial skills, skills that, with the exception of Reeve, relied on our ability to compile a list famous people over the age of eighty.
The idea is this: it always good to be prepared. That’s a theoretical statement that is only useful in practice. So let us practice. Politicians, movie stars, pop culture icons, rock stars, pets, dreams and hairstyles die all around us, all the time. It’s hard to say what or who is going to go next. It’s almost, as the investment banker once said, like a blind-folded monkey throwing darts at the USA Today business section. Therefore, the idea becomes this: if we can’t prepared for something, be prepared for everything.
This is precisely what we at The Eleventh Draft intend to do. Starting with this very article, we will, every so often, publish a series of Premature Obituaries. We understand that this can be moderately-to-mildly offensive; to read about your imminent demise is never a comfortable Tuesday morning. With that in mind, in the humor of becoming Asian to tell racist jokes, we begin with one of our own: Jordan Watland, Founder of The Eleventh Draft, Is Dead at 31.
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Jordan Watland, a television producer and founding member of the Eleventh Draft website, which he created in 2008 and grew over the course of two years into the Internet’s preeminent destination for incomplete thoughts and typos, died on October 2 in Las Vegas, Nevada. He was 31 and lived in Los Angeles, Calif.
Graham Christopher, friend and co-founder of The Eleventh Draft, said Mr. Watland died of causes that are still under investigation by Las Vegas police and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, also known as the F.B.I. Mr. Watland was found midday Saturday at a table in the buffet at Mandalay Bay after ingesting what friends described as an "astounding amount of smoked salmon so that he could get his $23.95 worth of food." He then announced he was going to lay his head down for a moment and nap. He never woke up.
Mr. Watland was in Las Vegas for the bachelor party of his friend Jeffrey Hopwood. Mr. Hopwood and Mr. Watland met during a swimming recruiting trip to Stanford University in 1997. Both of the men ended up attending The University of Michigan where they swam together on the 400 Medley Relay and won the team Big Ten Championship in or around 2000, if they were remembering correctly. (After retreating to their bedrooms to check championship rings, the year 2000 was confirmed.)
Prior to attending The University of Michigan, where he’d intended to study Aerospace Engineering before reading Friedrich Nietzsche’s "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" during his sophomore year and subsequently deciding to focus instead on becoming a smug, didactical alcoholic, Mr. Watland grew up in Minnesota. His parents divorced when he was young and he was raised in South Minneapolis and a suburb of Deephaven.
Long time friend, Andrew Steingas, co-owner of Frontier Web Development, a company that designs elegant, functional Web sites and that never misses an obituarial plug opportunity, told The Eleventh Draft, "While he never paid his invoices on time, he let me beat him in virtually every game or contest we had from the time we were in second grade and I dominated him in four square, to just this summer when I challenged him to race to a bouy from the boat on Lake Minnetonka."
"I somehow forgot to warn him that we’d be swimming through some of the thickest seaweed in Robinson’s Bay," Mr. Steingas added with a somewhat inappropriate chuckle.
While he feared seaweed and would surely be curious to learn that the nefarious algae had nothing to do with his demise, Mr. Watland was a member of the state champion Minnetonka High School swim team. During his six years on the team, Mr. Watland set three state records, won three team titles, and was awarded Swimmer of the Year in 1998 shortly before falling asleep in the top bunk of a University of Minnesota dorm room, whilst fumbling with the stubborn hook on the dress of a 17-year-old swimmer from Apple Valley who’d been in attendance at the awards banquet earlier in the evening. The young woman was contacted at her home in Tempe, Ariz., but declined to comment, saying she had no recollection of who Mr. Watland was.
Desiring that more teenage girls learn and quickly forget his name, Mr. Watland set his sights on becoming a screenplay writer or novelist – this was before Twitter. In 2002, he moved to New York City with his then girlfriend and quickly set out on daily visits to the Off Track Betting booth on the Upper West Side where he’d lose at least $20 before retreating to Yogi’s bar on Broadway with his notebook and borrowed pen. At Yogi’s, Mr. Watland authored prolific essays and short stories, including the self-help piece, "How to Write Something No One Will Ever Read," which was successfully read by exactly no one.
His family took a vacation to Las Vegas (which brings a semblance of symmetry to his life) later that year, and Mr. Watland filled in for his step-sister, Kellie Probst, as the assistant for a celebrity booking company. Ms. Probst, who lived with Mr. Watland in Los Angeles and still worked for the booking company at the time of his death, said she was saddened to hear of his death. "But I think that he would have liked the way he went out," Ms. Probst continued. "He really really liked lox."
"And coffee," added Ms. Probst after some careful consideration.
Mr. Watland went on to fame as an associate producer at Martha: The Martha Stewart Show, after the billionaire homemaker was released from her 2005 prison stay. He spent a fairly uneventful two years at the show, having most of his ideas rejected as "not Martha," and in 2008 moved to Los Angeles to work on Ellen: The Ellen DeGeneres Show, as a celebrity researcher. It was in Los Angeles that Mr. Watland would start The Eleventh Draft.
The website hit its peak thanks to former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, during the 2008 Presidential Election. Shortly following the election, Mr. Watland took a job thinking about things to discuss with celebrities for Jimmy Kimmel Live! on ABC. The show made him sit in the receptionist area for 18 months before firing two other employees, which opened a window seat for Mr. Watland. However, the view was to be short-enjoyed.
In July of this year, Mr. Watland began work for Lopez Tonight. He produced a number of forgettable celebrity interviews and managed to infuriate only three publicists during his short tenure at the show, which ended with his death in Las Vegas. Executives at the production company released a statement in which they said: "Jordan Watland was a worker. He was an employee, and one that worked for us, at that. He will be replaced, but not until next week, as the show is currently on hiatus."
Mr. Watland leaves behind a loving mother, a doting father, and an adoring sister – all in Minnesota. He leaves behind a hard drive filled with millions of words and not an obnoxious amount of pornographic movies. He leaves behind a fair amount of debt and a seat at Oakfire Pub in West Hollywood.
"That’s what he would have wanted," Ms. Probst nodded. She then looked out the window onto the damp street, considering Mr. Watland’s death. Minutes later she returned her attention to her living room. "Are you sure there was no scotch on the table?" she asked.
Madame Speaker, I ask unanimous consent to revise and extend my remarks in opposition/support to this flawed/necessary health care bill.
The following is an account of a day spent watching C-SPAN. The day was yesterday, when new health care legislation that was passed by the US Senate last year was passed by the US House of Representatives. Historical or not, it’s a great way to spend a Sunday. We begin with the general debate.
7:11 pm ET: Republican Rep. Joe Barton seen in obnoxious tiger (growl) tie. Previously yielded the floor to the gentleman from the "Keystone State," now yields the floor to the gentleman from the "Blue Grass State."
7:13 pm ET: Rep. Edward Markey says that GOP used to stand for Grand Old Party. It now stands for Grandstand Oppose Postpone. Zinger.
7:14 pm ET: Rep Edward Markey is told to heed the gavel when he goes over his time. Jeers from the right. Rep. Barton asks if Markey could repeat what he said because he couldn’t hear. Laughter. Rep. Barton yields a minute to the gentleman from the "Grand Canyon State." Barton knows his state nicknames.
7:15 pm ET: Rep. John Shadegg says this bill will destroy America. Scary.
7:17 pm ET: Rep Anna Eshoo says the human body holds the soul. Scary. Members are reminded (again) to heed the gavel. No one cares about Madame Speaker’s gavel.
7:18 pm ET: Sonny Bono’s former wife says a minute’s worth of crap.
7:24 pm ET: Democratic Rep. Eliot Engel says that his friends in the Republican party did do crap when President Bush was in power.
7:25 pm ET: Rep. Barton yields thirty seconds to the gentleman from Oklahoma, proving that he does not know that Oklahoma is the Sooner State.
7:29 pm ET: Madame Speaker admonishes people for gossiping in the aisles in the back of the room. Come on lady, it’s not like this is the Senate.
7:31 pm ET: Barton yields to the gentleman from the Corn Husker State. Is that Guam?
7:33 pm ET: Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman (yeah LA!) has the best moustache in the room.
7:33 pm ET: Rep. Mike Doyle holds up a shitty photo of a late pizza delivery driver whose job made him too much money to qualify for Medicaid. That’s why he died.
7:38 pm ET: The gentlewoman from Illinois is reminded to heed the gavel. Dude from Texas suggests that with this bill you will get your health care, all right, but you may be getting your prenatal care from Turbo Tax. The floor jeers. But I have no idea why it is funny or what he means.
7:42 pm ET: Rep. Barton yields the floor to himself and says that this health care bill sucks because it won’t last and it reignites the abortion debate. Heaven forbid we should talk about abortion.
7:48 pm ET: Rep. Wally Herger (CA) looks like a cartoon character. Also has the name of a cartoon character.
7:50 pm ET: Rep. John Lewis calls Madame Speaker either "Mr. Speaker" or "Mrs. Speaker." Oops. He goes on to yell with vigor into the microphone, ending with "Give health care a chance!"
7:55 – 8:16 pm ET: Democrats are taking away the will of the American people. Let the American people speak! Don’t they know that the American people are far too busy with NASCAR on Sundays? (Is that why they held the vote today?)
8:17 pm ET: Rep. Geoff Davis (KY) has the abject audacity to say that this administration marks the largest transfer of power to the executive branch in the history of this republic. Rep. Davis must have been vacationing in a dark, airless crevice in Dick Cheney’s ass for the past decade.
8:26 pm ET: This health care bill has now been called Obama Care, Pelosi Care, Unconstitutional and the end of American Society as we know it.
8:34 pm ET: Dying to see Michele Bachmann. Where is that crazy bitch?
8:55 pm ET: Bachmann has arrived! Sitting behind the republican side, which is currently run by Rep. Paul Ryan (WI), the Budget Committee Raking Member.
9:05 pm ET: Spent the last ten minutes watching Bachmann in the background and wondering what crazy-ass thoughts are flying around her mediocre mind.
9:09 pm ET: Rep. Ryan just called the present male speaker "Madame Speaker." No one cares about gavel or the gender of the person running the show.
9:15 pm ET: Why don’t they have C-SPAN in high def.?
9:20 pm ET: Rep. Mike Pace (IN) citing the bible. He’s a republican; or was that understood?
9:22 pm ET: The gentleman from South Carolina has asked how much time he has left four times in the last four minutes.
9:29 pm ET: Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers says the American people are against the bill. Says it will cost too much when we are already running a deficit.
9:30 pm ET: Rep. Allyson Schwartz says this bill is the largest deficit reduction measure in nearly a generation.
9:31 pm ET: Either someone is lying, someone is wrong, or someone is insane.
9:44 pm ET: The term "doughnut hole" has been used ad nausea. We’re all going to die. Doughnut Hole, Bitches!
9:55 pm ET: Some dude just tried to waste ten minutes by asking the Speaker questions. He was told that the Speaker was sure the gentleman knew the answers already.
10:00 pm ET: New leader for most obnoxious tie. Rep. Grayson (FL)
10:04 pm ET: Rep. John Boehner, Minority Leader, at the mic. C-SPAN needs more mics around the House to better pick up the jeers.
10:05 pm ET: Boehner says that no one in this body (the House) thinks that this bill is satisfactory. Something tells me he is dead-on correct, but that at this point it does not matter.
10:07 pm ET: Boehner going NUTS! Love it. Just said "hell no!" twice in a row. Made the Speaker remind both sides to remember the dignity of the House.
10:08 pm ET: Boehner wants the House to stand in front of the American people and announce their votes one at a time. I am starting to like this guy. However: I kinda feel like standing in front of the American people and stating their support or objection is precisely what we’ve been witnessing for the last three hours.
10:09 pm ET: Boehner asks the Speaker if he would be willing to take a vote by roll call. The Speaker replies that the chair will decide on vote by roll at the time the request is made and this is not it. This is, however, a fascinating tactic of congress that I don’t understand.
10:12 pm ET: Went to the kitchen to get a pickle.
10:13 pm ET: Pickle eating complete. Yum.
10:15 pm ET: Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, in the hizzy!
10:20 pm ET: Pelosi is one of the worse orators in politics today. She has no passion. She has no rhythm. She’s been talking about how this bill will help our economy, but I don’t know why because I’m suddenly so tired.
10:28 pm ET: For godssake, Pelosi is still talking. She is comparing the health care bill to Medicare and Social Security. Can’t wait to pay as much for health care as I do for social security.
10:30 pm ET: Debate time has expired along with Michael Moore’s ticker.
10:31 pm ET: We love these YEAS and NOS as they are yelled. Boehner back at the mic asking for a roll call. He’s denied. This is getting good. Too bad he was denied though.
10:40 pm ET: 196 YEA; 176 NO… Was hoping for a closer game than this.
10:42 pm ET: 208 YEA; 183 NO…
10:44 pm ET: 209 YEA; 196 NO…
10:45 pm ET: Health care legislation passed. Final vote: 219-212.
10:55 pm ET: Abortion. Abortion. Abortion. The number of times politicians who don’t really care at all have hidden behind unborn children… this place has turned into a madhouse. It’s fantastic.
11:01 pm ET: Someone shouted "BABY KILLER" at Rep. Bart Stupak, the man who opposed abortion enough to get Barack Obama to issue an executive order to change the bill (essentially). Same thing was yelled at us in high school when we wanted to take the soda machines out of the lunchroom.
11: 02 pm ET: Regarding the republican motion to make changes to the health care legislation, so that government funds are not used for abortions, Rep. Bart Stupak: "This motion is to politicize life, not to prioritize life." Well put, sir.
11:30 pm ET: After Boehner demanded an electronic vote, the motion to change the bill is shot down. It’s over.
We at the Eleventh Draft receive countless Holiday cards. We tried counting them once, only to find out that they were countless. The reason is probably this: we celebrate every holiday at which food is served and every holiday at which humans are not allowed to eat. It makes us quite popular.
Of the countless cards, we know all senders. All except one. This card was emailed to us without prior meeting or solicitation. As the senders of the card do not know the people they are sending to, we thought they must want tout le monde to receive the card. In our ceaseless efforts to please our readers, we have included that Christmas Card below. All the names and locations have been changed because the senders are Christian and, therefore, inherently litigious.
Enjoy! And Merry Christmas c/o the XXXXXXX Family!
(p.s. If you would like the XXXXXXX Family to send a real card next year, instead of an e-card, please let us know and we will impart your concern.)
To our Family and Friends…
Happy Holidays! It is our sincere hope that your home is full of Christmas spirit, joy and a little bit of magic this season. For the second year in a row, we’re sending an e-card … hope it works OK for you…
Our family is still very happy here in City, State. DAUGHTER #1 is doing quite well in high school and will be graduating this June! She continues to be interested in art and graphic design and is looking forward to some big new adventures in 2010. SON #1 keeps getting BIGGER and he put his size to good use by going out for 8th grade football this fall. Unfortunately, he broke his arm first day in pads! He really likes State in the United States and even stops playing Xbox sometimes long enough to get out there and enjoy it… SON #2 makes the most of every day. He usually tries to squeeze in as many visits with friends as possible while still managing to do great in school and maintain complete dominance over FATHER at video games… MOTHER and I are celebrating our 15th anniversary on December 31st! We feel very fortunate to have so much in our lives, including great friends and even family up here now!
We hope for fun and prosperity, health and happiness for you in 2010…
Merry Christmas,
Father, Mother, Daughter #1, Son #1, Son #2, and Dog #6
Below are some solicited and unsolicited thoughts on the ongoing health care/insurance reform experience. Enjoy.
I started to read salon.com's article about the pussy dems backing off on health reform. Fucking US will never accept any 'socialized' health care. I'm so disgusted w/the states for that. We don't want change, we want 5 buck happy hour at TGI Friday’s and a new car. ~ 30-something woman, Paris
Perhaps my favorite moment during the "Town Hall or Town Hell?" segment on last week’s Larry King Live was the title the show gave panelist Penn Jillette that read: "Illusionist/ Libertarian." ~ 20-something entertainment professional, Los Angeles
There are case studies in several other nations describing why socialized health care does not work. And yet it seems that our elected officials have ignored the mistakes other nations have made and seem to want to make the same mistakes all over again. Sweden ended up with two plans, one where corporations pay and one that is free/government-run. And appointment at the private sector for a hip replacement... immediate. Same bad hip but government-run, approximately two weeks. ~ 60-something businessman, Denver
Obama's visit was big news among the (Wyoming) locals. I am curious to see how he is going to get around the parks since securing them seems impossible and there are a lot of scary rednecks riding through Yellowstone who I'm guessing really, really, really don't want healthcare reform. They are going to be 300 lbs. and get diabetes and heart disease and they don't need the government trying to prevent that! ~ 30-something, working in Yellowstone National Park the week before the Obama family visited the area for vacation
I don't think (as a dentist) any health care reform will affect me much...except for the increased tax burden of providing health care for more and more Americans and immigrants that are discouraged from working by the increasing unemployment benefits, etc! The scary part, though, is that they're talking about using MN as a model for how things should work, because more of each dollar spent goes to actual healthcare (as opposed to admin, etc) and the quality of care is so high. I guess I'm for some of the reform...[but] without large revenues to put back into research and development, I’m not sure where we're going to expect any medical advancement to come from... ~ 30-somehting dentist, rural Minnesota
It should happen. Fuck the insurance companies. I’m sure they’ll find some other scam to steal people’s money. ~ barely-still-20-something entertainment professional, North Hollywood
My experiences with the National Health Service (NHS) in the UK are very good. They have a bad reputation, because the megalomaniac Margaret Thatcher, tried to disband the NHS, making everyone go ‘private.’…The shortfalls are waiting lists. If it is not an emergency, you will often wait for an operation…I know my mother often goes ‘private’ to have surgery, etc., rather than wait…I am a little disappointed with the care I have received in New York, considering I pay a lot for it. I expected it to be amazing and I think there is very little difference in London and NYC treatment. The main difference is that I can be referred to a specialist immediately here, whereas at home I would possible wait a longer time. I also think trying to understand medical bills and such in the US is a nightmare and purposefully designed to bamboozle people into paying more or not claiming. ~ 40-something Briton living in New York City
I don’t know. I don’t understand anything other than I have awesome health care and it comes out of my paycheck and that’s fine with me. Everything else that people say about it might as well be in Spanish. ~ 20-something executive assistant, Minneapolis
It’s bad if the bill that’s currently in the house passes, and it’s bad if it doesn’t. It’s a waste of money if it passes, and, if it doesn’t, they’re going to find some other way to waste our money when it comes to health care. ~ 20-something med school student, New York
I am writing out my [health care] plan, but I have been really busy at work. It is pretty sweet, though. ~ 30-something banker, New York
First of all, a theory on Mila Kunis. Mila Kunis is hot. People know that. Mila Kunis usually looks like this.
However, Mila Kunis is much MUCH hotter when she is asleep and looks like this.
Now some political theory on why Barack Obama won the presidential election last November. CNN was surprised when election day arrived on November 4th. Breaking News: November 4th comes after November 3rd.
Hillary supporters are incredibly lazy. If they'd thought things through they would have voted for McCain, but they can't even manage to take one sticker off of a car window before putting a new one on.
And John McCain's shoes. Man is married to a woman with enough money to pay Silvio Berlusconi himself to make a new pair and yet he shows up on late night television wearing the same pair he wore home from Hanoi.
Finally, back to CNN. At long last we have proof that Don Lemon is gay.
Now if only Larry King would stop lying to himself after seven wives.
• Dick Cheney couldn’t resist one final cover up. He appeared at the inaugural ceremony in a wheelchair. Instead of telling the truth, the Bush White House, in its final mendacious act, told reporters that Cheney hurt his back "moving boxes"…which I’d only believe if it was followed by, "full of bodies into the woods where they were promptly buried." The wheelchair was an unnecessary lie, but give Cheney credit: pretty funny.
• Rick Warren’s invocation was shorter than Aretha Franklin’s bow and her reverberating rendition of "God Bless America. And he sounded only mildly like a child molester when he said the names of Obama’s daughters. However, he said that we were rejoicing in "America's peaceful transfer of power for the 44th time." Since Obama is the 44th president, that would be like a dude who is turning 40 saying that he is celebrating his birth for the 41st time – yesterday was actually the 43rd transfer of power.
• Hours after taking office, Obama gave the military courts at Guantanamo Bay a 120-day vacation, ordering a cessation of legal proceedings for that period of time. Then Switzerland offered to take prisoners. Were prisoners to be transferred to Switzerland or an EU country, the US would lose a great deal of influence over the cases. It seems that’s a control Obama might want to keep – after assessing and rectifying the humanitarian conditions at the prison, of course. We're not about to get up Cheney’s neocon ass here, but, he had a point when he said that US intelligence officers shouldn’t risk prosecution for their actions in the field. If they didn’t have indemnity and anonymity, intelligence officials would become doctors who won't operate for fear of lawsuit.
• Banking stocks dipped and dipped big yesterday, even as Obama spoke at the nation’s capitol. Bank of America, the biggest U.S. lender by assets, fell 29 percent. Citigroup Inc. dropped 20 percent to a 17-year low; JPMorgan Chase sank 21 percent; and Wells Fargo dropped 24 percent. Financial losses from the credit crisis may reach $3.6 trillion, according to Bloomberg. If that's hope, I don't even want to ask about change.
• We learned that this is what the SUV that rolls behind the president can do:
7)There is a shitload of people in China that, given the chance, put on one hell of an Olympic Games opening ceremonies.
8)When you combine an attractive 16-year-old governor’s daughter, a drug-dealing teenager and a town with nothing to do, someone is going to end up pregnant.
9)A Lakers vs. Celtics matchup in the NBA finals is still pretty damn cool.
In honor of the end of the Gregorian calendar year, the Eleventh Draft is holding our first and perhaps last Best of the Year competition. This year’s topic:
Best Addiction of 2008.
To enter, simply reply to this post or email the ED (at best2008@eleventhdraft.com) with your favorite addiction of the year.
There are no rules other than you must provide your addiction and your explanation for your addiction. For example, while “catching walleye with frogs” is an intriguing addiction and could garner a victory, it simply begs too many questions; when did this addiction begin; what was the first experience like; what happens when you set the frog on the hook? And so on.
Were there past competitions, past winners would have included:
“Dear Eleventh Draft, I am addicted to micromanaging my office. I run a small office of 22 people and cannot help but interject into as much of each of their respective jobs as possible. If an email is being sent to a client, I have to read it first. If someone is working late, I have to know why and on what project and if they could have gotten that work done yesterday. If people are ordering lunch, I need to make sure it’s not from Frankie’s because my ex-boyfriend is the manager there and he cheated on me and I hope that place goes out of business so that he comes crawling back – which I know he will eventually. We were meant to be together. P.S. If you go to Frankie’s and see a waitress named Tiffany, tell her she is a slut.”
Please do not include drug addictions, personality disorders, or anything having to do with your very cute and cuddly terrier. It’s not that these addictions are not noteworthy and inspirational (surely they are great memoir fodder when you get as old as David Carr); it’s just that we don’t care.
We at the ED like to breed winners.
Possible winners for 2008 might include: Obamania, Hating Heidi and Spencer on “The Hills,” cheeseburgers from The Burger Joint at Le Parker Meridian or Tight-rolling My Jeans and Dancing to Early Whitney Houston Alone in My Room in Front of my Full Length Mirror. We hesitate to mention any others for fear they might be your favorite addiction of 2008.
The winner of The Best Addiction of 2008 will receive publication on the Eleventh Draft, a drink with the editors of the Eleventh Draft, a copy of “Shaun White Snowboarding” for PlayStation 3, as well as a free one-month ad on the Eleventh Draft.
No purchase necessary. Enter as often as you like.
We are about to break the first rule of fight club.
Well – technically the first and the second rules of fight club.But we’re among friends and this discussion is necessary to identify and affect the blatantly (and at this point, annoyingly so) subversive American media.
Throughout the movie “Fight Club” the main characters, The Narrator (Ed Norton) and
Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt), ask each other who they’d fight.If you could fight anyone, who would it be: “Probably my boss.”Any historical figure: “I’d fight Gandhi.”Any celebrity living or dead: “Shatner.I’d fight William Shatner.”
With that in mind – and with the notion that the intention of these fights is not subversion, as is much of our culture, but enlightenment – we at the Eleventh Draft asked a group of randomly selected attractive people (come on, it’s multitasking; we’re trying to kill two birds here) the following question.
If you could fight one political news personality, who would it be?
An overwhelming majority went for the extremes, Keith Olbermann (“He’s a pussy and I need an easy fight”) or Bill O’Reilly (“Makes me want to hit something anyway, might as well be him”).But there were others that thought more moderate pundits also deserved wicked beat downs.These are their comments (nay, suggestions!) in no particular order of importance.
Hey, what’s up?How you doing?Tell me something, if you could fight one political news personality, who would it be?
Guy waiting for his car at the Koi valet: “Anyone but Rachel Maddow.” Why? Are you a Maddow fan? “No.I’m scared of her.She cuts her hair short for a reason.So you can’t pull it when you’re grappling.”Did you just say grappling? “This is my car.Have a good one.”
Dude taking our order over the phone for Dominos: “Pundit?” Yeah, like news person. “I don’t think we have that, sir.”No.Not for my pizza.If you could fight them.“Thank you for calling sir.That will be 30 minutes.”
Girl on the escalator at Hollywood and
Highland : “I’d probably fight Stephen Colbert, but only in character as Stephen Colbert form the ‘Colbert Report.’I think it would be funny for him to wake up as himself the next morning and feel the effects of his character’s satire.It’s like, ‘How’s that for irony, fucker?’”
Guy in front of us at Gelson’s Market: “Wolf Blitzer and Jack Cafferty at the same time. Wolf cause of his stupid name.And Cafferty because he’s a drain on our economy.He doesn’t do anything except read emails.I just lost ten thousand last week and that asshole still has a job.”
Checkout girl at Gelson’s Market: “Does Tyra Banks count?”Um, sure.“I’d fight Tyra.She’s a stupid ho.”
Friend from
New Jersey : “James Carville for the same reason as the dude in ‘Fight Club’ would fight Abraham Lincoln.Carville’s a scrappy bastard.He’d fight till he’s burger.”
Man at Hamburger Mary’s on
Santa Monica : “Oh my god!Karl Rove!I mean, how good would that feel?”
His friend: “What about Rush Limbaugh!How good would THAT feel??”
First Guy at Hamburger Mary’s: “We’re talking about FIGHTING, Steve.”
Steve: “Oh.”
All the guys ice fishing on
Pelican
Lake in unison: “Michael Mother Fucking Moore.”
Dude at the
Beverly
Center , near the pet shop: “Sean Hannity, but – have you seen ‘Fight Club’?” I’m asking the question, aren’t I?“Well you know that rule where he says that you have to stop if someone goes limp or taps out?I wouldn’t follow that rule if I was fighting Sean Hannity.”What makes you think you’d be winning? “God.”
So what about you?Katie Couric?Ann Coulter?Bill Maher?The pudgy Frank Lutz?If you could fight one political news personality, who would it be?
ELECTION NIGHT GUIDE: This guide will take you hour by hour through the key things to watch on election night.
KEY: For each state, I have given three numbers. The first (RCP) is the average of recent polls on realclearpolitics.com, a simple mean of all reputable polls from different sources in the last week. The second (538) is from Nate Silver’s fivethirtyeight.com, a weighted, trend-adjusted average of polls based on date and reliability of pollster. The final is the % chance of an Obama victory, which comes from Nate Silver’s quantitative model. All polling data will be cited as a spread, with positive numbers (+5) indicating a 5% Obama lead and negative numbers (-5) representing a 5% McCain lead. These numbers are as of Sunday night before the election.
Make no mistake, Obama is definitely the favorite. To win, he needs to hold PA/NH/NM, and then win one of either 1) Ohio, 2) Virginia, 3) Florida, or 4)
Colorado . Any of the other swing states (i.e. NC, IN, MO) would be insurance or icing on the cake.
6:00pm –
Indiana the first tea leaf to read (IN, KY). Should Obama win
Indiana , it would signal a landslide. A lopsided McCain victory could foretell weakness in
Ohio .
In the first hour of the night, we get an early indication of Obama’s strength in a red state he is not expected to win, but where the action is supposed to be competitive (RCP -0.5, 538 -1.8, 27%). The risk here is making too much of the early returns without seeing where the votes are coming from.
Indiana is an early voting state with about 20-25% voting early (slightly under the national average), but I cannot find any data on the party affiliation of these voters. Because Obama is well organized here, he may jump out to an early lead based on early voting.
Kentucky (RCP -13.5, 538 -12.5, 0%) is not in play, however major deviations from this would be an early read-through for Missouri, Virginia and
North Carolina .
Bottom line: The 6:00 hour is probably a non-event, with McCain likely carrying a narrow IN lead into the next set of poll closings. If it’s going to be an Obama rout, however, you may see it early on in
Indiana .
7:00pm – The battle for the old Confederacy (FL, VA, GA, SC, VT). Florida and
Virginia are the first of the critical battlegrounds; if Obama wins either one it nearly guarantees a victory; African American turnout is key.
The night will whip into high drama shortly after 7:00 as we get a set of returns dominated by southern states, where the strength of black turnout will be tested.
Virginia (RCP +3.8, 538 +4.5, 92%) is perhaps the most intriguing contest of the night, and the lead bellwether of the entire election. From here, we will see whether Obama’s organization, ad spending, and strength in the polls actually translates into the voting booth. If Obama is not slightly ahead after the first 10% counted, then McCain is probably outperforming his poll numbers.
Most of
Florida is in the Eastern Time zone and will close at 7:00. The panhandle closes at 8:00, but we are likely to see results before then.
Florida (RCP +4.2, 538 0.5, 50%) is a big early voting state, with as much as 45% of the state casting their ballot before election day. If the initial returns include early voting, where Obama is outperforming his party affiliation data, we will probably see Obama out in front by 3% to 5% initially. Biden has helped Obama here, and Palin has hurt McCain. Remember that a chunk of the Hispanic vote (17%) is Cuban and traditionally Republican.Regardless of what the polls say now, this is a red state that McCain cannot win without.
Georgia (RCP -3.0, 538 -5.4, 7%) should be an interesting first take when the polls close. Obama is not expected to win here, but has closed the gap significantly. Don’t be totally shocked if the initial results are close to a tie or even putting Obama ahead. If Obama wins, he needs to have black turnout higher than those numbers and an in-line turnout among young voters. If McCain opens up a lead close to double-digits, it might be a sign that NC is not in play.
Finally, watch SC (RCP -10.0, 538 -12.2, 0%). If networks do not call it immediately for McCain, and the early returns are reasonably close, that’s a bad sign for Republicans and a positive read-through for Obama’s chances in NC.
Vermont (RCP +25.0, 538 +21.6, 100%) is not in play; outperformance here will have limited read-through to NH, but this is not a particularly interesting state.
Bottom Line: By about 7:30, we’ll have a decent indication of how the night will shape up. If Obama looks to be winning either FL or VA, then PA in the 8:00 hour could be the clincher and we could be seeing the early signs of a decisive victory. If McCain is close in VA and holding serve in FL, however, then his upset hopes are alive.
7:30
Ohio joins the fray (OH, WV). We will barely get to digest the early numbers from FL and VA when OH closes its polls; an absolute must-win for McCain.
The quintessential swing state,
Ohio will close its polls at 7:30. Although Obama is favored here (RCP +4.2%, 538 +3.0, 76%), any path to victory for McCain requires this state. In other words, while it’s a must-win for McCain it’s probably about third on Obama’s priority list of “knockout” states that would put him over 270 electoral votes (behind VA and CO). A nasty loss in OH, however, would not be a good sign for Obama in PA.
West Virginia (RCP -8.5, 538 -8.7, 0%) is not expected to be in question, but if Obama keeps it close it is another indication that his ground game is working. Also a read-through for central PA.
Bottom Line: Depending on how quickly the results are released following poll closings, we could actually know a fair amount by 8:00 ET. Obama gets several early shots at knockout punches in VA, FL, and OH. All three are likely to be close, and winning any one of them would put Obama in the driver’s seat for victory.
8:00 PM – Lots of action, but Pennsylvania looms the largest as Obama defends his flanks (PA, NH, MO, MI, CT, MD, DC, NJ, SD, TN, MA, AL, and some TX). All eyes will be on Pennsylvania, as it is McCain’s best hope for an upset stunner; Obama also plays defense in NH and MI;
Missouri a red state in Obama’s sights.
Though from a poll perspective
Pennsylvania is not the closest state (RCP +7.3, 538 +7.0, 96%), it is pivotal to a McCain upset bid and thus perhaps the most important tipping point contest. McCain has spent a lot of time recently here, hoping in part to sway registered Democrats (old Hillary voters) to cross over. Winning PA could for McCain buffer the loss of another swing state like CO or VA (but not both).
In reality, if Obama is winning Ohio early, then his chances in
Pennsylvania look pretty good. We have no early voting data (I’m not sure if PA even offers it).
Missouri is an odd state. Despite being a classic bellwether and a virtual toss-up in the polls (RCP -0.7, 538 -0.7, 34%), it is unlikely to be a tipping point contest. An Obama win here would probably come as part of a landslide, and a McCain victory would simply be holding serve in a state he should win. Virginia and
Ohio are likely to telegraph the results here. Like the Super Tuesday primary, this one could swing wildly over the course of the night, and it could be well past 10pm before we have a decent grasp on the results.
NH (RCP +10.7, 538 +8.3, 97%) should go comfortably for Obama, but this is a state that likes McCain and he has a very outside chance of swinging this rather unpredictable batch of voters.
Michigan (RCP +13.0, 538 +11.3, 100%) is a former swing state that McCain gave up on, so this will go blue. NJ (RCP +16.2, 538 +11.7, 100%) might teeter for a minute, but that is a democratic state also. The remaining 8:00 states will be called within 20 minutes of the polls closing.
Bottom line: By the midpoint of the 8:00 hour, we’ll be in one of two places: 1) Obama could be looking to sew up victory, piecing together PA with one of VA/FL/OH; or, 2) McCain could be consistently outperforming the polls and potentially shutting out Obama in VA/FL/OH, forcing the election to a tiebreaker in the west (namely, CO, NM and NV). A PA shocker by McCain would mean Obama needs to sweep VA, CO, and NV (or simply win FL).
8:30pm –
North Carolina is intriguing, but will it matter? (NC, AR) NC is another potential knockout punch for Obama, but we will likely have a good grasp on the outcome here based on early VA/ GA/SC results. Unlikely to be a tipping point state, but if Obama wins here, it’s game over.
North Carolina (RCP +0.3, 538 +0.6, 57%) is a deeply red state on the verge of turning blue, a fascinating study in demographic evolution this member of “the solid south”. On election night, however, it seems doubtful that the presidency will hinge on this state. NC has a huge amount of early voting, nearly two-thirds of the state, and we’ll see most of those results right away (expect a slight Obama lead early, based on relatively high number of democrats voting early, mostly African Americans). If Obama sweeps VA/NC, then he will have essentially won the election before polls even close on the west coast.
By 9:00, Democrats would also hope to have a
Michigan called for Obama by the networks, and would want to at least be nursing leads in PA and NH.
Bottom Line: The half-hour between 8:30 and 9:00 is probably the most critical, as results from the key eastern swing states begin to stabilize. NC is unlikely to be the most crucial among them.
9:00pm – Go west, old man! McCain hopes to force a Game 7 (CO, AZ, NM, NY, RI, KS, LA, MN, NE, WI, AZ, SD, TX, WY). If the outcome is still in question by now, it means McCain has outperformed on the Eastern seaboard and is holding
Ohio . If so, we play best of 3 for all the marbles: Colorado, New Mexico, and later on
Nevada .
In the 9:00 hour, there will be a lot of balls still up in the air. It’s possible Obama may have already clinched the election with victories on the east coast – in which case the closing of polls in NY, NJ, and WI could put the networks on the verge of calling the whole election for Obama. More likely, however, we will still be watching the deciding results of a very close contest (VA/FL/OH/PA) that will determine whether or not McCain is still alive. If and when the focus turns out west,
Colorado is the focal point.
Colorado is the
Virginia of the west, a traditionally red state where Obama has built a lead in the polls (RCP +5.5, 538 +4.8, 91%), though early voting makes this state somewhat easier to defend. A McCain upset win here would hinge on three things: strong evangelical turnout, weak younger voter turnout in
Boulder , and strong performance among independent, white swing voters.
New Mexico is solidly leaning for Obama (RCP +7.3, 538 +9.3, 99%), but this is a state that has potential to swing wildly if Hispanic groups (42% of the electorate) and veterans unexpecedtly pull hard for McCain.
In the event that Obama is already well ahead,
Arizona could be the ultimate “insult to injury” state. Obama put up an ad buy here as polls closed to single digits (RCP -3.5, 538 -6.0 , 2%
Bottom line: Pushing the election to the west is the best case realistic scenario for McCain. Colorado is probably Obama’s firewall and his insurance against an 0-fer on the east coast, but if it too topples then he is in real trouble, probably relegated to a coin flip outcome in
Nevada.
10:00pm – Nevada hopes to recreate its West Wing fame (NV, IA, ND, ID, more KS, MT, OR, UT) In the fictional TV series, the Presidential election between Arnold Vinick and Matt Santos comes down to a nail-biter in
Nevada . This is technically possible if McCain grabs a lead in
Colorado . Should the election reach this point, however, a lot of things would have had to go wrong for Obama.
Nevada is a topsy-turvy political arena, driven by the politics of unions, Hispanics, and nuclear waste (no malicious word association intended). In other words, welcome to
Las Vegas , because anything could happen.
Should the election still be close, you’ll also want to watch
Iowa , which closes at 10ET. This one has already been put in Obama’s column, and by slamming ethanol in the debates McCain has both earned a bit of my admiration and effectively conceded the state.
In the case of an Obama blowout, see if he can run up the score in MT (RCP -3.8, 538 -5.0, 6%) and ND (RCP -1.0, 538 -2.2, 19%), which would be historic events if either went blue. Or, see if John King can entertain you with those really cool maps that he moves with his fingers.
Bottom Line: An election night that extends into the 10:00 hour means something has gone fundamentally wrong for Obama.
11:00pm – Senate races? Prop. 8, anyone? (CA, WA, OR, ID, HI, AK) The final wave of poll closings on the west coast bring little in the way of important data. OR was once thought to be in play, but will go handily for Obama. At this point in the night, we may be watching a nail biter in one or two crucial swing states. Or, we are pouring another drink and tallying up the Senate results (there is another big one in OR). The Proposition 8 measure on same-sex marriage in
California will be a closely watched outcome nationally. Also, this may be the hour in which we see a concession speech from one of the candidates.
Happy viewing, and enjoy what should be a historic election night, regardless of the outcome. I may have to work late, but I will be up and running on gmail eventually if you want to give me a shout.
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